Act 1, sc.14
Rome. Enter Cassius, reading a magazine, a toothpick in his mouth, and Brutus and Lucius. Some diners are sitting at tables over the stage
Cassius: Good Bru’, did you see this? Oscar Mayer won the people’s choice ‘best baloney’ award. Again.
Brutus: Third time in row. Oscar doth bestride the baloney world like a Colossus.
Cassius: Noble Brutus, not if thundering Jove had spoken from highest, tall Olympus could such a bad concept find better words.
Brutus: Good words are better than bad salami, dear Cassius.
Cassius: Man, this pisses me off. Have people gotten that lazy?
Too much time watching CSI, or chatting in a 2nd life?
Said company would have men in this world’s
First life that are fat, sleek-headed, and high-
Cholesteroled, with unnatural
Flavor in unnaturally stuffed guts.
What is the world coming to? Anyway.
What time is the award ceremony tomorrow?
Brutus: You mean the Slow Food annual March cold cut expo? 12:30. And get this: Tony will be representing Oscar Mayer this year.
Cassius: No way!
Brutus: Way. He sold his operation to them a few months ago.
Cassius: Really? I didn’t know. But my sweet Bru’,
Your long and flavored salami is sure
To again retrieve their bluest, dearest
Ribbon. Yours is the best-aged meat in Rome.
Lucius: Yeah, well, my broken back master, hold ye’ horses. There’s a rumor that Tony’s been bribing the judges. Something to do with Mayer and that WTO international copy write treaty changed. You know, so they can use names like Tuscan Felino Salami and Parma Prosciutto on their own contra-felino and contra-parma-ed stuff. They figure they’ll get less resistance if they can show they make a quality product.
Cassius: Well we’ll just see about that.
Tony’s a Villain.
Lucious: You are a senator.
Enter Petrini, the soothsayer, a salami in his hand
Petrini: A good cold cut eases into your stomach but once; a bad one burps up on ya’ a thousand times. Beware the Mayers of March!
Thunder. The sky darkens. Exit Petrini
Brutus: Who was that?
Lucius: Some weirdo. I see him hanging out around here all the time. Always munching on something. But, like, real slow.
Again thunder. All three nod. Exit all
Act 1, sc.15
Enter (at one door) chef Shakespeare, Padma and Jamie Oliver taking their seats behind a table at center stage. Toothpicks in the middle. Flourish. Enter (at another door) Cassius, Brutus, Tony Baloney and then Lucius and Octavius carrying trays of cold cuts, followed by several diners who seat themselves at smaller tables on either side where samples already sit in small mounds. Another flourish
Padma: Welcome salumi makers.
Chef Shakespeare: Welcome all to this blessed gathering,
This hall, this buffet, this well processed pork,
This Italy, this teeming womb of cold cuts.
Jamie: Tha’s wha’ it’s all abou’. Sharin’ the best Italian cold cuts wi’ good peeople who care ‘bout goo’ food. An’ together tryin’ to decide who’s the best ‘o the lot.
Padma: Brutus, Tony, after careful deliberations we have judged your salumi to be the best in the competition. Before we make our final decision we would like each of you to make his case as to why we should choose their lunchmeat.
Lucius and Octavius set their trays on the center table
Diner one: Dear, would you pass the ketchu…
Diner two: Sh-h-h! Good’ol Bru’s giving his speech. I wanna’ hear this.
Brutus: Ladies, gents, gourmets… I’m no Obama when it comes to public speaking. Hell even my dog falls asleep when I talk to him, so I’ll make this short and flavorful. Now don’t get me wrong; I respect Oscar Mayer. I think it’s a fine company. I admire their success. They gainfully employ thousands of people and I’m grateful to them for that. But their cold cuts, let’s face it, taste like something between a dried pickle and wet Kleenex – with a slight bend toward the pickle. You need about a gallon of mustard just to knock’em down your throat. But if they win here, well, could be that a lot of us little guys who really do care about quality get bought out or go out of business. So let’s not say that I don’t appreciate Oscar Mayer, but that I appreciate tasty salami more. Anyway, thank you all and, down the hatch.
Diner three: Man, that Brutus is a real hoot.
Diner six: And he makes the most kick-butt lunch meats.
Padma: Good Brutus, well spoken. Judges, your toothpicks.
Everyone takes a toothpick and skewers a cube of lunchmeat. Silence, then lots of mmms and ahhs and head nodding. Applause
Diner twelve: Fan-freaking-tastic!
Diner sixteen: Blue ribbon, definitely!
Padma: Brutus, well done. Now, representing Oscar Mayer, Tony, make your case.
Tony: Ladies, gentlemen, Romans, (coughs) if you’ll please
Lend me your ears a minute; I come not
To bury noble Brutus’ lunch meat but
To praise it. The plastic-flavored cold cuts
That multinationals with speed create,
Occupy eye-level shelves long after
The due-date of higher moraled produce,
I know, and oft that better is interred
Unsold into supermarket trash bins.
The noble Brutus hath told you Oscar
Is that problem’s part, that they have deep greed,
That Mayer meat’s are flavored without art,
Artificially. And Brutus makes a
Great cold cut. Yet do you all not recall
Those loving Wonder sandwiches we ate,
That dear mom used to make us long ago?
Diner ninety-three: Yeah, I remember when we used to trade sandwiches in elementary school.
Diner one hundred and five: I hated my mom’s baloney sandwiches.
Diner twelve: But there was always an Italian kid that got to eat good stuff?
Diner seven: Vinnie Russo. Vinnie always had the best lunches.
Tony: Did not our boloney have a first name?
Was it not spelled O-S-C-A-R?
Diner two: I remember that tune.
Tony: And does it still not have a second name?
Is it not spelled M-A-Y-E-R?
I still love to eat it, everyday. Why?
Because they do not buy to undue but
With their salami-maker takeovers
Well pay and the better learn to better
Please all of Rome’s citizens’ hungry mouths.
Oscar Mayer, I say, does have a way
With their sweet B-O-L-O-G-N-A.
They are not part of any problem, but
It’s tastiest end, the solution’s hap-
Piest slice. What suspended reason holds
You all then from enjoying this great meat?
Thank you, and let’s eat. Bon appetite.
Padma: Tony, eloquent as always. Judges.
Everyone takes a toothpick and skewers a cube of lunchmeat from their second piles. They chew and then start spitting out. Pfewahs and ewws
Shakespeare: Yeach! It’s like swallowing an old rat.
Jamie: Whoa! Mate, tha’ is truuely, truuely gnarly.
Padma: Miserere! Porcos horribillis ad nauseum.
Tony: Pray, what mischief is this? Octavius, toss me a bite.
Octavius throws him a piece. Tony eats it, makes a strange face and then spits it out
Tony: Oh treachery! Oh foul flavoring! Someone messed with my meat, man, this isn’t fair.
Padma: Tony, you know the rules. Our judgment is final. Pack up your cold cuts and go.
Tony: Man, that just ain’t right. (Begins to leave, pausing next to Brutus) Et tu, Brutè?
Brutus: Don’t look at me. I only sliced the meat.
Exits with Octavius
Padma: Brutus, we have decided. Your lunchmeat
Is the noblest of them all. It contains
Harmonious flavor, and the spices
So well mixed within it that nature might
Stand up proudly and say to all the world:
“Now that is a salami!”
Applause. Exeunt recipe
The real recipe:
Bite-sized cubes of good quality mortadella, 60 grams per person
Thinly sliced Prosciutto di Parma, 30 grams per person
Bite-sized chunks of freshly cut Parmigiano Reggiano from the center of a cheese round, 50 grams per person
Aged Balsamic vinegar
Quality extra-virgin olive oil
Freshly grated Parmigiano Reggiano
Finger slices of bread and focaccia
Simply place the cubes of Mortadella on one serving dish and the Parmigiano on another. Dribble lightly over both with aged balsamic vinegar. Place the olives in smaller bowls around the table. Take the Prosciutto and wrap it around the grissini, one slice for each stick of dried bread. Leave the bottom half of each grissini uncovered. Finally in one small, shallow bowl place equal parts of grated Parmigiano and e.v. olive oil. In another shallow bowl place 5-6 parts of e.v. olive oil and 1 part of aged balsamic vinegar. Guests can use these last two bowls as dipping sauces for the bread and focaccia slices. Serve with an unstructured red, maybe Lambrusco, or a good Prosecco. Best served in March.
link for unwanted Tony’s or other dinner guests: That flesh may look bloody and full of Worms, and so be rejected – from Magia Naturalis: http://www.godecookery.com/incrd/incrd.htm#013
link – a guide to Italian cold cuts: https://www.thespruce.com/italian-salami-charcuterie-and-cold-cuts-guide-2018492
…The Complete Recipes of Shakespeare, Abridged. From physshe to meat. As contemporary food critic Harold Bloom described in his Shakespeare: The Invention of Food, ‘Shakespeare’s historic culinary importance cannot be contained. In time, he has become a spirit or ‘chef’ of light almost too vast to apprehend.’